There was a time when I was an Apostle. In my former life. I remember that Jesus was a swell guy. On Mount Tabor he was with me and Peter and some other Apostles. He invented the “what ever happens” on Mount Tabor stays on Mount Tabor. Later the Apostles used Nazareth, Rome or other places like Vegas.
Jesus changed water into wine because he mother pleaded with Jesus. They will not go home until last call and we need more wine to do that.
There were more than twelve of us. Carving names in stone takes time and is difficult. That is why only 12. Judas really pissed us off. His was the last name we carved.
The reason there was only water and wine is because some Apostle, Judas, stole the money for the dinner and it was all we could afford. Thank Jesus for changing the water into the wine we could not afford. Then Thomas liked the bread so much he opened the first Panera. That is why he missed Jesus that time. He was making bread.
There are so many Mary’s because the Biblical writers were bad at remembering names.
Joseph was a good dad. Jesus made incredible tables. Chairs and other home furniture. Joseph owned his own shop, store and did his own commercials. Joe first had “Jesus and Son” on the front of the store until God suggested, not so fast.
Jesus was inclined to happy things and told the Apostles, just tell everyone I rose from the dead. They do not need the sad and terrible parts every year. Give them bunnies and candy instead. Flowers are good too. Just a suggestion.
We apostles did not follow Jesus everywhere. Mary Magdelion would not let us when she was with him.
It is not the NEW TESTAMENT. It is a continue of the Old Testament. The name New Old Testament did not stick.
If you want to hear more let me know. Specify Jesus. I also am incarnated as Confusion. Confusious?
Recorded by Mary working for
Dr. Happy Felix and hired by EChumly which owes me for the last one also. My name really is Mary, idiots.
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